sometimes i can't tell which is worse:

a week or three months

contextually speaking,

i am more looking forward to

ordering the coffee

than drinking it

----------

going home means sitting in a different room

roughly the same size as this,

perhaps slightly larger, but entirely mine

walls scarred with old tape and torn photos

i will able to wrap myself in flannel sheets

with headphones and tea

with new books, still unread

and the dread of leaving the next morning

mine, entirely

will power

i am doing a thing i cannot stop

i move closer to your little face

and lean down

and sniff

i am walking out 

i stare back 

i feel nothing, i wonder if they know, i feel a little more

a little more like i am missing

something 

that they all have

and they can see the hole 

or slight slope 

like a ditch 

i don’t want to go home

i ask to be driven home 

but I want to be driven out into a field 

and left in the dark  

to find my own way back

i walk for a long time 

without seeing anything but the stars 

and patches of streaking light

that have followed me around

ever since I did that one thing

i get back, eventually 

everything moved without me

or

everything is happening

in relation to me

and i am not doing 

what you want me to be doing 

i am not doing

enough to make you happy

what makes me happy is 

thinking about you tucked in bed

safe and warm 

without me 

because i’m out 

finding the angle at which 

the sun moved 

in relation to me 

and left me in the dark 

where no one can see

the missing part 

song of longing

how strange to walk

through suburban neighborhoods

at night, to see glimpses

of people's lives through

the lacy eyelashes of curtains

walking past an open window:

inside, a bed filled with

mussed hair and sleep,

white sheets socked

around two bodies

breathing and beating

in tandem

two pairs of feet,

tangled at the ankles

I asked my brain to write and this is the crap that came out

i've got cigarettes;

but no way to light them.

demons;

but no way to fight them.