i can easily tolerate a moderate amount of pain anywhere from an hour to a 6-month period.

and I kinda like pain

more than most people

even the kinds of pain

that aren't physical.

and I like scars

and cigarette burns

and grown out roots.

whatever they told you about sadomasochism in your fucking human sexuality or introduction to literary theory class was complete and utter bullshit. you can't write about real pain that way and it doesn't belong in a dictionary. sometimes it will come in waves and you have to accept the tides of your sadist, whether it is the self or an other. sometimes it will sting more than you are comfortable with but you have to resist the urge to slide those syllables over your teeth because it gets better; and soon you discover a parallel realm of sensation. it complements and contrasts the simple, mechanical joy of sex. It requires more and less artistry. it hurts bad. then good. then bad. you have to accept it until you say the code word. my code word is 'cinderella.' maybe you don't say your code word out loud. maybe you swallow it until you're dying. maybe it feels better that way--to not give up. to come or die trying? the pain is immeasurable and your nurse's laminated card has no place here. now get the damn rope.

and do with me what you will.